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The Ode to Venture Capitalism

/ Sophia Donner

Fiction, Screenplay — 4 min reading time


Scene begins in a large office building surrounded by glass walls. Tech billionaire Seth Fezos is speaking to potential investors about a new product.

SETH:
(to investors) Welcome, welcome one and all / Have I got a product that’ll answer the call / Ever wished your phone was the size of a child / Well I’ve got something that’ll make you go wild / Ever dreamed of a computer the size of a pea / Well I’ve got something that you’ll want to see.

(he ends with a flourish)

Investors clap, enamoured by Seth’s ‘performance’. Spotlight shines on Seth, and the investors fade away. Seth turns to face the audience.

SETH cont.:
You’re wondering how I procured this condition? / Apparently it was my unchecked ambition / A young bright-eyed lad, I surveyed the land / In search of a fad to add to my plan / And found the lucrative tech industry / Progressing with unmatched rapidity / And as my success grew / So my enemies did too / (whispers) An old hag with a jealous streak / Came to me one night that week / And begged me for–

OLD HAG FLASHBACK:
a dollar to spare?

SETH:
So naturally, I said ‘Ew. Like I care’ / All at once she transformed

OLD HAG FLASHBACK:
‘You cruel man’

SETH:
she loudly scorned /

OLD HAG FLASHBACK:
‘Never again shall you be free / Listen to my next decree / To rhyme, until you’ve learned your lesson’

SETH:
But I wouldn’t change my profession

(Seth Fezos winks)

With a flourish, he spins around and the lights go up on the investors once again. Seth Fezos is now holding a skull and takes on a Hamlet-like stance. No one is quite sure where the skull came from. Investor 1 raises his hand.

SETH:
You there sir, what is your query / Have you come to test my solid theory?

INVESTOR 1:
Um...no. I just wanted to know how much you needed for this product?

SETH:
AH! Good question, you shrewd man / 20 million will aid my plan!

INVESTOR 2:
20 million dollars for a seed round?! That seems a bit steep for a...what was it?

SETH:
(Seth Fezos begins his spiel once again) Ever wished your phone was the size of a child? / Well I’ve got—

INVESTOR 1:
Yes right, the big phone and the small computer.

SETH:
(whispers quickly) something that’ll make you go wild

(Seth needs to complete the rhyme)

INVESTOR 2:
Well, I’ve got to say, I’m really enjoying your whole pitch, but I’m not completely sure there’s product market fit. What’s your target demographic?

INVESTOR 1:
Yeah, how much do consumers actually want a tiny computer and a really big phone?

SETH:
(restrains himself from calling INVESTOR 1 a cream-faced loon or a foul stewed prune) You see my friends, THEY want it bigger and better / I’m not marketing to the common beggar. (SETH says ‘better’ in a way that rhymes with ‘beggar’)

INVESTOR 1:
(mouths ‘Who’s they’ to INVESTOR 2’)

INVESTOR 2:
(shrugs)

SETH cont.:
Look at the data, and you will find / Our products are all one of a kind!

(SETH hands INVESTOR 1 AND 2 a pie chart. Somehow it is also in rhyme) The investors look over the data.

SETH cont.:
I promise, sir, that you’ll win too / This won’t be Napoleon’s Waterloo / My wares will make you filthy rich / And so concludes my fateful pitch

Investors applaud

INVESTOR 1:
(Looks at Investor 2 and nods) Ok, I think we’ve heard enough. We’re really impressed with your pitch. We’re gonna speed through the due diligence process and close out your round right now. The 20 million dollars is yours! Welcome to the Sequoia Capital Family!

Spotlight shines on Seth once again, and the investors fade away. Seth turns to face the audience.

SETH:
‘Tis a success! / But I digress / That concludes my humble quest / Now I have thwarted that spiteful witch / Karma's fun but payback’s a bitch / The crone did warn against my greed / But to her caution I did not heed / Though her curse dug me a rabbit hole / It led to venture capital / My rhymes were made for industry / Filled those investors with much glee / She said she hated my egotism / But thank the gods for capitalism!

Scene ends

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